You're completely useless in the revolution.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
