I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
