I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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