i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
