I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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