I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
