I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
