Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
