chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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