Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
