sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
