would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
