you have to choose: penises or morals?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
