people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
