Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
