I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize