Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
