She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
