i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize