maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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