nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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