i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
we made out on top of his cat.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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