This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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