The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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