Quick, to the slutcave!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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