tell your sister to shave her snatch
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
