Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
