I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
