The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
