Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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