She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
