This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
