He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Is Oprah even human
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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