So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
