If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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