Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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