I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
