who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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