i think i have herpe
just one?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
