Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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