see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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