am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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