i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
