Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
