please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
