Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
