I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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