Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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