this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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