Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
