i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
