im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
