apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
