I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
