I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
