no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we're making bets on your personal life
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
