Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
