census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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