he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
