He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
