I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
