bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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