I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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