the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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