i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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