This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
