You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
