I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
