I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
