I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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