You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
